![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Entry tags:
Ups and Downs
RL is being bittersweet. I am being moody and weepy and spacey and withdrawn.
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
c8h10n4o2junkie is moving into her very own, very first apartment. It's a little, darling studio with a great deal of (what we will euphemistically call) character. She's very excited, and a little nervous; she's never lived alone, and it's her name on the lease and the utilities.
As for me, well. It's been just the two of us since she was five months old (idiot ex went underground and under the table to avoid all responsibility, financial and emotional; truly his loss). So she has been my constant companion for 25 years. She has also been my wing man, half of the vaudeville act that is (and has always been) the two of us together, my caretaker when I was fighting cancer, my reason for breathing on the bad days, and -- since she turned 18 and decided maybe I was an OK human being after all -- my best friend. She makes me laugh harder and more often than anybody else ever (the ginormous laugh lines I sport -- eyes to chin, guys -- are all her fault). She knows me better than anybody else ever, too.
She's not going far -- less than an hour -- but she won't be here. I'm proud of her, and she needs to live closer to school, and she needs to fly without me, and my heart hurts so hard. I will miss her every day.
So. Time for me to learn how to have an independent life of my own. And on that note, I just registered for Escapade! (OMG, WTF am I doing going to a Con? People SCARE me, people!)
c8h10n4o2junkie is moving into her very own, very first apartment. It's a little, darling studio with a great deal of (what we will euphemistically call) character. She's very excited, and a little nervous; she's never lived alone, and it's her name on the lease and the utilities.As for me, well. It's been just the two of us since she was five months old (idiot ex went underground and under the table to avoid all responsibility, financial and emotional; truly his loss). So she has been my constant companion for 25 years. She has also been my wing man, half of the vaudeville act that is (and has always been) the two of us together, my caretaker when I was fighting cancer, my reason for breathing on the bad days, and -- since she turned 18 and decided maybe I was an OK human being after all -- my best friend. She makes me laugh harder and more often than anybody else ever (the ginormous laugh lines I sport -- eyes to chin, guys -- are all her fault). She knows me better than anybody else ever, too.
She's not going far -- less than an hour -- but she won't be here. I'm proud of her, and she needs to live closer to school, and she needs to fly without me, and my heart hurts so hard. I will miss her every day.
So. Time for me to learn how to have an independent life of my own. And on that note, I just registered for Escapade! (OMG, WTF am I doing going to a Con? People SCARE me, people!)
no subject
no subject
no subject
Oh, and I went to Escapade a few years back and it was my very first con and I had a blast! I would go every year if I could afford it.
no subject
OMG, Mo, you've been posting all of these interesting things, but with the Holidays, and the working retail during the Holidays, and apartment hunting an hour away, (and the weepy,) I haven't had time to read them as thoroughly as I want to. I've still got a mental note to go back and really read (rather than skim and run) your review of/response to Milk. *sigh*
I went to Escapade a few years back and it was my very first con and I had a blast!
I'm so glad you shared that! Although I was just reading through the attendee list for this year, and going "I've read her, I've read her..." I figure even if my normal social anxiety kicks in, and I can't come up with small talk to save my life, I'll just fangirl the authors to death. (That's my plan!)
no subject
And thank you for giving me the opposite perspective of this. I know my mother's having a hard time with my upcoming college departure, and where my big brother is only two hours away by car, I'll be at least four or five by plane and days on the road. I want to make sure we stay close, too.
no subject
Now, see, I think you're going to be at Stanford next year, so you'll be on the correct coast for Escapade, too (Palo Alto's on my way...). *g*
I want to make sure we stay close, too.
Jess Facebooks more than LJs, but I told her she's going to have to switch that up. I want a special filter, and I want her to write at me all of the details she normally chats at me at the end of the day. Does your Mom do the internet thing?
no subject
Hee--my mother tries with the internet thing. She can swing e-mail and the like, which will be helpful because I'm awful about phone calls. She really likes (as do most people, I suspect) getting snail mail, so I thought I'd try to do a lengthy, bi-weekly or monthly letter to her, along with shorter calls and e-mails for the day-to-day stuff. Does that sound workable?
no subject
(Um. Also, I just pimped your
no subject
no subject
I do worry that things posted on the weekend get overlooked, though. Most of LJ seems to be out having, oh, I don't know, a life, or something. (Me, that's my prime surfing time.)
no subject
no subject
Fandom is excellent for offering diversions and what could be better than hanging out with a bunch of kick-ass women?
no subject
Parenting. Where the purpose of the job is to work yourself out of a job. Sheesh. (I highly recommend notthinking.)
...what could be better than hanging out with a bunch of kick-ass women?
Not one single, solitary thing.
Oh! Oh! Speaking of kick-ass women, you posted your end-of-year round-up, and you signed up for big bang again (*squeal*), and I remembered I promised you some actual feedback (y'know, more than *flail*) for "When Push Comes to Shove," but I had to re-read it first, of course, and then, well, "weepy," so. (The sad thing is that's an actual sentence that might come flying out of my mouth....)
But I did just re-read it, and I loved it just as much the (third? fourth?) time through. I think what you absolutely nailed for me was the tone/feel of anger in an intimate, loving relationship. "I love you more than air, and I just want to deck you, and I need to keep relating to you because you're the most important thing in my life, and how do I do that when I'm so pissed I don't even want to look at you." Broke my heart, it felt so true.
And since three-ways are my happy place (I believe in sharing; yes I do), that worked for me. *g*
And this:
"You don't fuck around, Sam," Dean says, at the next light. "I know that much."
"I don't," Sam agrees. He doesn't say, You do, because he knows that's not what's going on.
"I'm not now," Dean says. "I don't know what this is or what you think it is, but I'm not fucking around."
"I know," Sam whispers.
Perfect.
no subject
And I love that you quoted that particular bit to me! Almost everyone goes for the scene at the dam (which, don't get me wrong, is a big hit for me, and more or less what I was writing to get to), but this bit ended up having so much *stuff* in it--Dean knowing Sam, but not giving himself credit, while Sam trusts Dean all along, even if Dean can't quite believe that. And it was one of those parts that just fell together, because I was originally writing that scene to get deal with acknowledging the incest, but it just kind of grew into something more.
and omg, I will shut up now and just say, thank you! Yay! I'm so pleased that you liked it!
no subject
The scene I quoted at you, though, for all the reasons you mention, is the "why" (why this story, why Sam'nDean at all, why SPN fandom). They're so different, those two, and they drive each other crazy, but they know each other inside and out and love each other beyond reason anyway. I think a lot of us crave to be seen and known and loved anyway like that. (And yes, totally incidental to the wincest. Good gen in this fandom has much of the same kick as slash [just without the hawt]. Even when it's clear they're not "doing" each other, that doesn't mitigate how in love with each other they are.)
I'm intrigued that you were trying to do a scene in which they "deal" with the incest. I totally felt like it was dealt with: "a weird Oedipal variation on a wet dream," "It wouldn't be all that different than the hundred thousand casual touches over the years, except in all the ways it would be," "shove it in the box labeled Family Shit to be dealt with later," "'You get off on watching. Not exactly a world-class kink, little brother,'" "focuses on the woman pressed close to him...and not on the other hands that occasionally tangle with his own," "Sam's really not ready to think about why that's almost enough to get him hard one more time. Or why Dean doesn't say anything when he catches Sam watching," and OMG I have to stop pulling quotes now, but that's certainly not all of them. The incest is there every time Sam tries not to think what he's thinking, not to feel what he's feeling. There's never a doubt throughout that this is a "big thing," nothing to make it seem as if either one of them is thinking, "Oh, hey, incest; cool," or even the ubiquitous, casually presented "we're not normal anyway so why should we care.*" Their awareness of family and taboo permeates the whole story, so, for me, an official scene addressing it wasn't necessary. I'm glad it morphed like it did.
I will shut up now
Absolutely NOT necessary on my account. *g*
*I never mind if this is where they end up, but I never believe that they'd be casual in getting there.
no subject
That scene, oh, that scene--I wanted them to put it out there, to acknowledge out loud that they knew exactly what they were doing, that it wasn't just something they were going to brush off as too much adrenaline, too much drinking. But even after I got that down, it felt like a big deal at the end when Dean starts to kiss Sam in the daylight, and Sam finishes it off, so there were lots of tentacles still to be dealt with. (Especially since the completely unnecessary continuation of the whole story is how Sam starts to think Dean isn't ever going to stop driving, or once he finally does, leave the bar where they're eating to go back to the room, where it's just *them* and a *bed*. And it kind of ticks him off and he says the things that need to be said, but the exact wrong way that Dean needs to hear them and it takes them a really long time to sort things out. Yellowstone helps, though.)
no subject
This made me laugh so hard! Because, of course that's how it would go down -- simple, clean, and easy just aren't in their repertoire.
no subject
no subject
I suspect you know exactly what I'm talkin' about.
(And not that she doesn't have Mommy issues, but OMG I DID SO GOOD!)
no subject
People are indeed scary, but have a great time at Escapade! (I'm not jealous at all, no I am not.)