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savagelove_feedA queer woman has a non-binary, AFAB spouse. Her partner can mime the action of cunnilingus with their tongue, flicking and teasing across the dinner table, like a horny lizard. The caller wishes she could do the same, but her tongue just doesn’t work that way. She also gets low marks on her oral technique, … Read More »
The post Sex Lizard appeared first on Dan Savage.
savagelove_feedI’m a 44-year-old woman with a history of childhood sexual trauma. I enjoy sex if I’m with a partner I feel very connected to emotionally, but I’ve never had an orgasm. Because of this I tend to rely on pleasing my partner during sex rather than my own arousal. It works OK for me at … Read More »
The post Fear of Fairing appeared first on Dan Savage.
savagelove_feedLet’s struuuuuuuuggle… I took a call on the Lovecast this week from a woman who slept with a former professor when she was 19 and he was 27. They were both consenting adults, she wasn’t his student anymore, she pursued him… and then he dumped her for someone else. Years later, she reached out to … Read More »
The post STRUGGLE SESSION: Reassessing Relationships, Interrogating Desires, Snipping Ligaments and More! appeared first on Dan Savage.
thefatnutritionist_feedIn spring of 2022, I tried out a kick scooter my husband randomly brought home, and loved it, which got me thinking about riding a bike. I needed something to do in the spring and summer, when ice skating is much less available. Back in 2020, I’d bought myself a little three-speed steel retro bike, with fenders and a Dynamo hub and a front rack, but I was too busy and stressed to re-learn how to ride a bike at that point.
So once I finally had the bandwidth, I took my bike out into the quiet parking lot of a closed doctor’s clinic on a Sunday, practiced mounting and dismounting (using a curb), and slowly got myself riding on quiet streets and getting my balance back. Riding a bike as a fat adult felt quite different than it had as an average-sized kid, and it took a while to get my muscle memory back. But with patience and letting myself go slow, it did come back. With a vengeance.
I started riding that granny bike everywhere, as fast as possible, on gravel trails and in the forest, and eventually for 50 km one summer’s day. Then I thought, “I’m gonna need a faster bike.”
All of this, from buying skates and taking lessons, to buying a bike and then needing a better bike, was all wildly intimidating as a somewhat shy person, but also as a fat person. Going into sports-focused stores does not feel comfortable as a fat person. I feel lucky that no one gave me a hard time, but they easily could have, and it would have been very discouraging.
I forced myself to go to a couple of bike shops and test ride some bikes…and then I fell in love, predictably, with the ugliest and most expensive bike possible: a Salsa Warbird with a carbon frame in millennial gray. I was immediately repulsed by the colour when they pulled it off the rack, but when I rode it, I found myself whispering sweet nothings to it, telling it how smooth it was, how fast it was, and how much I loved it, even though it was far too expensive for me. I went home and sulked for a week, and my husband told me to go back and buy the Warbird, so I did.
It was still ugly, and I still loved it more than I have ever loved an object before. It was and continues to be the most expensive thing I have ever owned. I rode it a bunch in the late summer and fall of 2023, culminating in an 85 km trip.
The following spring, I got hit by a car (thankfully it was a very slow, ridiculous crash and I was only a bit bruised), and had to replace a bunch of parts on my bike (which thankfully the driver’s insurance paid for), as well as the frame, which is now a beautiful, glossy black instead of gray. So now I’m even more in love with it, and that’s what I was riding this morning, yet another roller coaster in my life.
I did not think all this would happen when I decided to accept myself as a fat person and stop dieting in November 2000. I just wanted to experience peace in my body, stop caring so much about how I looked, stop experiencing the intense shame that I’d been taught to feel about my weight, and the guilt and confusion around food that came with it. I had no idea I was an athlete; I had no desire to become one. But somehow, learning to treat myself and my body with compassion allowed me to learn things about myself that had been hidden for years, decades.
As it turns out, I’m a small-time thrill-seeker, a diver, a skater, a cyclist. I’m still fat. Hills are hard, but I descend like a beast.
savagelove_feedA woman in her late 40s is struggling to process a relationship she had when she was in college. She slept with a former professor of hers but then got rejected by him. After she moved away, she arranged a visit with him, and got rejected again. Now, over 20 years later, she’s wondering if … Read More »
The post Dom Mommy appeared first on Dan Savage.
savagelove_feed1. What advice do you have for young people who want to have an open conversation with their partners about changing aspects of their sex life to make it more pleasurable without hurt feelings or awkwardness? What’s more likely to lead to major hurt: A few awkward conversations now that (hopefully) lead to better conversations … Read More »
The post Quickies appeared first on Dan Savage.
savagelove_feedHey, gang: I’m still traveling back and forth and up and down this grating country of ours to see family — Iowa and Illinois down, Arizona and Colorado left to go — so this week’s Struggle Session is gonna be quick: just one letter from a reader, sent via email, just one uncharacteristically brief response … Read More »
The post STRUGGLE SESSION: Pride Is (Still) Queer & Size Matters appeared first on Dan Savage.
thefatnutritionist_feedIn 2018, I discovered I had a craving for INTENSITY. This was very curious and strange to me, though again, looking back to my childhood, there were signs. I was a somewhat cautious kid, but I also had some small-time adrenaline junkie energy. I loved roller coasters, I had dreams of racing go karts, I loved going fast on my bike, jumping high on a trampoline, or diving into swimming holes.
I spent most of 2018 just considering my options, without doing anything in particular. I thought about a trampoline gym, go kart racing, bowling, aerial silks or acrobatics, taking drum lessons…there were so many possibilities of things I could do to experience excitement and intensity. I took a trip to a local amusement park, but was not able to fit on the most interesting rides. I rode what I could (honestly, it was just a single ride, far too tame for my tastes) and walked around the rest of the day, feeling sad and disappointed. Instead of blaming myself or feeling intense shame about my body, I took it as a sign of what I wanted and craved. And I clearly wanted to do something exciting. I thought about what could give me that experience outside of an amusement park.
A few months later, a couple of (rad fat) friends invited me swimming at an indoor pool (as is rad fat tradition), and I went. I waded and floated around for a bit, then ended up climbing up the ladder and diving from a diving platform roughly a million times, in line with a bunch of hyperactive little kids. That night, I went home and slept like a baby.
Diving reminded me that I could still physically do the things I used to love as a kid, even now as a fat, nearly 40-year old adult. I started to think about what else I used to do as a kid, and that’s when it occurred to me: I used to love skating. I was even kind of good at it. But that was Oregon in the 80s, and it was roller skating. I now live in Toronto, in the 21st century, where there is very little roller skating, but an absolute glut of ice skating. I’d always watched figure skating on TV. I decided then and there to buy a pair of ice skates, since it was December, and to attempt ice skating.
I got the skates and went to a little outdoor ice rink that was completely empty, on a weekday morning, and tentatively stepped onto the ice, gripping a nearby fence for dear life. I stood up. I did a little penguin march, still holding the fence. I did not fall (yet.) My blades slid forward about one inch on the ice. It was the greatest feeling I’d ever felt, and I knew I was home.
I started taking skating lessons, and started skating five times a week, purely for fun. It was just like being on a roller coaster, maybe better. It’s now six and-a-half years later, and I’m a decently good skater. A baby-beginner figure skater, but a figure skater nonetheless. I do little spins and tiny hops on two feet. More importantly, I have something that gets me outdoors on cold winter mornings and reminds me that there is more to life than just anxiety or work or the news. I get to have communion with the little animal inside of me that wants to have fun, at least a little bit, every day.
I’m usually the only fat person present, and I don’t care. I’ve had people make fun of me for that, and I don’t care. I have joy, and I am free.
savagelove_feed - Sex Lizardsavagelove_feed - Fear of Fairingxkcd_feed - Geology Murderxkcd_feed - Artificial Gravitysavagelove_feed - STRUGGLE SESSION: Reassessing Relationships, Interrogating Desires, Snipping Ligaments and More!thefatnutritionist_feed - I fat-accepted myself so hard, I became a jock – part 3: cycling.xkcd_feed - Global Rankingsavagelove_feed - Dom Mommysavagelove_feed - Quickiessavagelove_feed - STRUGGLE SESSION: Pride Is (Still) Queer & Size Mattersthefatnutritionist_feed - I fat-accepted myself so hard, I became a jock – part 2: skating.xkcd_feed - Dehumidifierxkcd_feed - Laser Dangerxkcd_feed - Weather Balloonsxkcd_feed - Farads![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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