On Strength. And Warnings.

[litotease]

My stepdad used to say "God takes turns kicking everybody. Sometimes, it's just your turn to get kicked."

Those of you who've been on my flist for awhile probably won't be surprised to hear that I have a vested interest in the "warnings" discussion. I'm actually not triggered by most of the major triggers; I love non-con, and dub-con, have only lovely associations with anything BDSM related, and I hang out in Supernatural. so clearly incest in general isn't a problem for me. But there are certain other themes that most people do warn for that I will avoid (I have only been sideswiped three times in ten years of reading).

I will never, ever read a fic from an author I don't know when it's marked "Choose not to warn" unless it has been vetted in some way (I ♥ my del.icio.us network). But please understand that I am very, very grateful for that note.

None of this is why I'm posting.

I'm posting because I am furious at the number of (people I thought were) decent, caring folks who are referring to survivors of abuse and assault as "fragile, delicate, mentally ill." It brings out the Mother Bear in me.

We are some of the strongest people you know.

Some of the "please give me tools" crowd are struggling with mental illness -- and my heart goes out to you all; my mother was mentally ill and I know, I know. But most of the posters aren't coming from a place of illness, they are coming from a place of injury.

For a survivor, the "illness" model can be a comfort (I wept the first time someone said "PTSD," "dysthymia" and "dissociative disorder" -- I'm not crazy, I'm not alone, there's a name for this). But "illness" is not accurate -- anymore than having blood in your urine because someone held you down and kicked you in the kidneys is due to an "illness." While there are illnesses that can cause the same symptoms, THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. To most of us who are speaking now.

I have had two therapists, 20 years apart, tell me the exact same thing (both of them with tears in their eyes -- Hah! I've made two therapists cry, FTW!). Statistically, I should be an addict, an abuser, or a suicide. That I am none of those things (I have come perilously close to all three) is a testament to how well the coping strategies I developed as a kid -- the ones people are calling me "ill" for having -- have worked. Yes, I have the emotional equivalent of a limp, my emotional balance is at times precarious, but I'm still fucking standing.

There is nothing "delicate" about me, or anyone who is still standing.

For me, for many of us, it's a matter of pride (something I was punished for having). If I kill myself, the motherfuckers win. If I lose hope, the motherfuckers win. If I'm too isolated or afraid to ask for help when I need it, the motherfuckers win. I WILL NOT LET THE MOTHERFUCKERS WIN. (So there, ptffft!)

So I am appalled at the number of people who have suggested in this discussion "Well, if you're so fragile that you have to ask for help, maybe this isn't the place for you." Asking for help is an act of courage for some of us, and if you can't see that, well. Kiss. My. Ass. I'll survive you, too.

I have trust issues; this is not a surprise. I have intimacy issues; this is not a surprise. Every time I reach out to one of you -- slowly, carefully, because I know better than many that people are not always as they first appear, or as they appear from the outside -- it is a victory for me. I plan on winning.

Everyone who told their stories in this discussion, who exposed themselves to potential humiliation and vitriol to try and explain, has my heart. And, as with every round of wank, I have a better idea than I did before of who I want to hang around with in this crazy place, and who I want to avoid (though I am saddened by some of the additions to the "avoid" list), and that's never a bad thing.

And if you find yourself friended or subscribed to in the next little while, that's me. Being strong. Standing. Winning.

ETA: a title to this puppy. Which is probably the real reason I don't write; I'd have to come up with titles

Comments

[topaz119]

I am so honored to be walking the path of friendship with you. ♥

[litotease]

Crap, Missy, you made me cry (but in the good way).

::hugs you hard::

[gabrielleabelle]

Yes, I have the emotional equivalent of a limp, my emotional balance is at times precarious, but I'm still fucking standing.

You are wonderful. And word, to your entire post. :)

[litotease]

::hugs & hugs & hugs::

I'm glad I found you!

[daybreak]

You put this better than I've heard. And I'm glad you are still standing. You'll win it all. :-)

[litotease]

Your support means the world to me. Always & always..

::hugs you tight::

[esorlehcar]

Here via.. god, I'm not even sure, someone on my flist... but I can't tell you how much this means to me.

I go into paroxysms of rage when people make these comments about other survivors, but I frequently have a very hard time not thinking them about myself--like somehow I should be able to move past it, that admitting, even to myself, that what happened left lasting scars is some sort of failing on my part, despite intellectually knowing how ridiculous that is.

I had to cut myself off from the whole thing, just because it put me in such a bad place, but I'm so glad you made this post and that I had the chance to read it. You made me cry, but it was the first time I've cried in a good way about anything related to this, and that's kind of an amazing feeling.

I'm glad you're still standing. I'm glad we all are.

[litotease]

::hugs and holds on tight::

that what happened left lasting scars is some sort of failing on my part

I know, and other people feed into that, like one should be able to just get over it -- and that's nuts.

I mean, if we were talking about the predictable, ongoing physical symptoms and ramifications of a physical assault, nobody (including ourselves) would suggest that we were weak for living with them, dealing with them daily; in fact, we'd be seen as brave. But talk about the predictable, ongoing psychological symptoms and ramifications of assault, and we tell ourselves "I'm weak because I'm not over it."

No. No, we're fucking not. We're human. And if we can still get up, and face the world, and have hope, and faith, and risk reaching out to others in spite of it all, we're amazing.

::hugs you again::

(Also, I've had your LJ bookmarked for years, because I was too shy [read "terrified of strangers"] to let you know I was there. DTTE owns my heart. May I friend?)

[esorlehcar]

No. No, we're fucking not. We're human. And if we can still get up, and face the world, and have hope, and faith, and risk reaching out to others in spite of it all, we're amazing.

*hugs you so much for this* This just... we never think about it in terms like this, that getting through it and going on with life is sometimes an accomplishment in itself, but it's really true, and it's such a... relief, almost, to frame it that way, not "There's something wrong with me because I still have scars," but "I'm still here, and just the fact that I healed enough to scar is a lot more than some people get." I'm saving this post to read the next time I go into panic or self-blame mode--I'm also very lucky in that it's only happened to me very rarely, but god, it's debilitating when it does.

And yes, please, I would love if you friend me, and hope you don't mind if I do so as well. I have to warn you though... um. I am still deeply in love with Sam and Dean, but I'm pretty in love with the Jonas Brothers now, as well, which is scaring some people. I try to put it all behind cuts!

[litotease]

Um, I only know who the Jonas Brothers are because I am physically incapable of not clicking on your cut tags when I am lurking. And now every time I see them anywhere, I think "Heh! I know what you're really up to" and then I blame you for my sordid thoughts, and I grin!

[amilyn]

Thank you. I am INJURED. Not ill. You have defined something I have said a couple of times, but not held onto, and have outlined CLEARLY why I bristle and cringe and almost cry every time someone calls me "ill" because this is DIFFERENT.

Thank you.

I'm off to link.

[litotease]

And even injured isn't enough; one can get injured from an accidental fall. WE WERE DELIBERATELY TRIPPED in the service of someone else's wants or needs, with no regard for our own.

::is pissed for us all::

::hugs you hard::

[amilyn]

Thank you. I've made my own post at my LJ. I don't know if it'll make any difference, or if it's just redundant but...now I've said something.

[tatterdemalion]

*applauds* You are amazing

(and I totally feel you on the coming-up-with-titles thing!)

[litotease]

Whew, anybody who's been through any kind of abuse or assault who manages to hold on to a thread of trust and optimism about humanity is amazing to me -- and so many people in this discussion have shown themselves to be just that.

::basks in the good company::

Titles! Why is it so much harder to come up with 3 or 10 words of title than with 1,000 words of story or essay? It does not compute (but is true, nonetheless).

[kirbyfest]

AMEN.

And thank you.

[litotease]

I just--.

I think most people can imagine what it would be like to have a specific physical injury, and so they're empathetic. But because they don't have a clue what dissociation or the other completely predictable and rational psychological effects of attack feel like, some folks just ::handwave:: it away, write it off as weakness or fragility.

I call bullshit. Anyone who's finding ways to live a life in spite of those injuries is anything but.

(And you're welcome. ::g::)

[impertinence]

There is nothing "delicate" about me, or anyone who is still standing.

For fucking serious.

I have neither the time nor the mental wherewithal to analyze every post made, but I wish I did, because I swear I've seen people talking about survivors using "victim" more often to describe the person in question. It's irritating, to say the least.

[litotease]

LOL! I spent my entire therapy session this week talking about your post, and the responses to it, and how enraged I am about it all.

And got a wonderful lesson in return on the amygdala, and it's role in triggering, and how being triggered is NOT A SIGN OF PSYCHOLOGICAL DISFUNCTION but rather an amazing survival response from our lizard brain, evolved back in the savannah.

::sigh::

I'm glad you saw this post, because you're one of the people I made it for. You have been phenomenally courageous and gracious throughout this whole debacle, and I have been awed and stunned by you.

::hugs::

[litotease]

And I realized at work today that calling triggers "amazing" could be construed far more flippantly than I intended. There's nothing about being triggered that's amazing.

The science geek that lives in my head, however, found it amazing how determined our brains are to keep us safe: the amygdala ratchets down cognition (because in the face of a potential threat, thinking and evaluating takes too damn long) and ratchets up emotion (because that gets our attention pretty damn fast), all because it wants us out of there now now now -- because this circumstance is awfully close to that other circumstance where we were getting hurt, and our brain is trying to protect us, just in case. Better safe (and rueful, later) than sorry (or injured, or dead). (/biology lecture ::g::)

(I asked my therapist if that's why I can't add a column of numbers to save my life when I'm dissociating, even though I'm normally really good at math. She said, yep, reasoning is suppressed for a reason. So that's another thing I can stop feeling stupid for.)

[rainbow]

I found this post via a links post on my network, and THANK YOU. I've never seen it phrased that way before (despite _decades_ of therapy), and YES. I'm injured. I'm not broken, I'm not fragile, I'm not.. okay, I *am* ill -- I have several autoimmune and other physical health issues, but being a child sexual abuse survivor and all the stuff that goes with that isn't an illness...

Wow. Thank you. Seriously, thank you very much for a new way of seeing.

Carys

[litotease]

I said this to someone else, upthread, but man, I think it's important:

"And even [saying] injured isn't enough; one can get injured from an accidental fall. WE WERE DELIBERATELY TRIPPED in the service of someone else's wants or needs, with no regard for our own."

And that particular injury has really predictable consequences that we get to learn to live around.

The fact that you are here, in my journal, talking to a stranger you've got no reason to trust but doing so anyway after all that makes you stunning and strong.

::hugs::

[rainbow]

That's very true, about intentional hurt vs accidental. And thank you.

*hugs back*

[amadi]

Yes, I have the emotional equivalent of a limp, my emotional balance is at times precarious, but I'm still fucking standing.

As someone whose triggers aren't things that often come up in fic but has triggers nonetheless, as well as someone who has a physical limp and bad balance, yes yes yes yes x1000.

[litotease]

::hugs you hard::

Um, but carefully, so as to not knock you off balance. ::g::

(I've got a dear friend who has to maneuver the physical world with the aid of a crutch; I get the balance issue.)

[amadi]

I've got my handy collection of canes. Good for balance as well as brandishing at whippersnappers who won't get offa my lawn. *g*

[rainbow]

*g* Your comment reminds me of the Old Geezers' Porch on the Highla-l mailing list in the 90s. Many of us hung out there and brandished canes and hassled the whippersnappers. (And if some of us also decorated everyone's canes with ribbons and bells, well, these things *happen*...)

[amadi]

I'm not sure if I'm impressed or terrified at the idea of someone decorating my cane...

[halfbloodme]

Thank you. Thank you for posting this. I am sick of seeing my friends who are survivors being treated as fragile and ill. They're some of the strongest people I know. Any mental illness that is suffered comes as a symptom of a larger whole and not the other way round. People don't seem to understand that.

[trouble]

But some of us are ill.

I know you don't meant to exclude me and mine, and so much of this post has me nodding along, but some of us are ill, and we aren't weak, either. And just admitting to having a mental illness has a huge stigma attached, which is why it's the go-to insult. When people are saying "If you're too mentally ill to be here, then get out" they mean me. Because I am mentally ill.

I just wanted to say that I'm here, in fandom too. And that I agree with everything that you've said, and I admire and respect you for both the way you've expressed it and your courage in talking about it and taking on the risk of attack from outside. *hug*

[litotease]

but some of us are ill, and we aren't weak, either.

No. No, you're not, and I'm glad you're here. ::hugs::

[thefrogg]

Thank you for saying this.

I don't know where you put my own post on the warning!fail subject, but I see a huge difference between what you said here and, as a fellow survivor, being able to protect myself.

Yes, I'm injured. No, I'm not fragile. And I can say with a great deal of confidence and conviction that being able to ask someone for help and mean it is one of the hardest things for a survivor to do.

That's why I warn. And why I appreciate warnings.