Some Introspection and Some Thanksgiving
Nov. 26th, 2009 09:38 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
litoteaseI haven't really posted in close to 6 months. I've been in a (much needed) introspective and re-evaluative place, parsing out where, at this time of my live, the differences are between who I say I am (to myself and others) and who I actually am. (I've kept for years a book I didn't love because I do love and am haunted by something it says on the cover: "What if the question is not why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?")
I am dealing with rage, mountains and mountains of rage, most of it decades old, most of it related to how a girl child was treated in my family, is treated in the world. ("What a gift your anger is," says my therapist. "Doesn't feel like much of a gift," says I. "Do you want to be what they want you to be?" "Oh, GOD, no." "Then the anger is a gift," says she.)
Through it all, as has been true for years, it's you guys who get me through. When I'm irritated with life, I come here. When I'm dissociative and having trouble staying fully in my body, I come here. When I need to relax, or laugh, or breathe, I come here.
I am surrounded here by people who are smart and articulate, who have intelligent opinions and aren't afraid to use them (even when they're not popular ones), who are gifted storytellers, or gifted with invective, or gifted at being honestly themselves. People who make me think and frown and laugh. People I admire.
I only use reading filters to screen out newsletters; my default view is every personal journal I've friended/subscribed to. If you're on my flist/in my circle, it's because I want to (and do) read what you have to say.
I maybe fangirl you a little, too.
I'm definitely thankful that you're there.
HAPPY U.S. TURKEY DAY, Y'ALL.
I am dealing with rage, mountains and mountains of rage, most of it decades old, most of it related to how a girl child was treated in my family, is treated in the world. ("What a gift your anger is," says my therapist. "Doesn't feel like much of a gift," says I. "Do you want to be what they want you to be?" "Oh, GOD, no." "Then the anger is a gift," says she.)
Through it all, as has been true for years, it's you guys who get me through. When I'm irritated with life, I come here. When I'm dissociative and having trouble staying fully in my body, I come here. When I need to relax, or laugh, or breathe, I come here.
I am surrounded here by people who are smart and articulate, who have intelligent opinions and aren't afraid to use them (even when they're not popular ones), who are gifted storytellers, or gifted with invective, or gifted at being honestly themselves. People who make me think and frown and laugh. People I admire.
I only use reading filters to screen out newsletters; my default view is every personal journal I've friended/subscribed to. If you're on my flist/in my circle, it's because I want to (and do) read what you have to say.
I maybe fangirl you a little, too.
I'm definitely thankful that you're there.
HAPPY U.S. TURKEY DAY, Y'ALL.