Some Introspection and Some Thanksgiving

[litotease]

I haven't really posted in close to 6 months. I've been in a (much needed) introspective and re-evaluative place, parsing out where, at this time of my live, the differences are between who I say I am (to myself and others) and who I actually am. (I've kept for years a book I didn't love because I do love and am haunted by something it says on the cover: "What if the question is not why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?")

I am dealing with rage, mountains and mountains of rage, most of it decades old, most of it related to how a girl child was treated in my family, is treated in the world. ("What a gift your anger is," says my therapist. "Doesn't feel like much of a gift," says I. "Do you want to be what they want you to be?" "Oh, GOD, no." "Then the anger is a gift," says she.)

Through it all, as has been true for years, it's you guys who get me through. When I'm irritated with life, I come here. When I'm dissociative and having trouble staying fully in my body, I come here. When I need to relax, or laugh, or breathe, I come here.

I am surrounded here by people who are smart and articulate, who have intelligent opinions and aren't afraid to use them (even when they're not popular ones), who are gifted storytellers, or gifted with invective, or gifted at being honestly themselves. People who make me think and frown and laugh. People I admire.

I only use reading filters to screen out newsletters; my default view is every personal journal I've friended/subscribed to. If you're on my flist/in my circle, it's because I want to (and do) read what you have to say.

I maybe fangirl you a little, too.

I'm definitely thankful that you're there.

HAPPY U.S. TURKEY DAY, Y'ALL.

Comments

[elf]

Anger is a response to having our boundaries, physical or otherwise, violated in some way.

You don't have to always react to your anger, but you should always pay attention to it.

[litotease]

Thank you for the link. Thank you.

Mostly because I really needed to read that right now, but also because it's another in a line of "the universe is trying to tell you something" signs.

One of my housemates is Feri. He recently gave me Thorn's Evolutionary Witchcraft to read. I know she's somewhat controversial, so I don't know how you feel about her (I'm also making an assumption that you know who I'm talking about, which might not be warranted), but the chapter on the Iron Pentacle left me reeling. I mentioned to my therapist that I was reading the book, and she said "I'm not Feri, but..." and started talking about the Iron Pentacle. (My therapist is publicly pagan, just one of the many reasons I deliberately picked her.)

The synchronicity of it all makes me think the Goddess is trying to get my attention (apparently, an anvil is necessary).

&hearts

[elf]

It's a good bet that every Feri initiate knows who Thorne is, at least by rep. She knows who I am, which says a lot more than me recognizing her. (We've met; we've chatted; she knows my name & face. Feri's actually a fairly small community.) I love Evolutionary Witchcraft, and although I've clashed with her approach to Feri sometimes (I'm vehemently anti pay-for-training), I recognize her as a sister in the Craft, and know she's following her path as the Gods lead her. (I just wish her path didn't leave so many semi-trained jerks in its wake.)

There's a brief section on the Iron Pentacle in Starhawk's Spiral Dance, and some online articles here & there, most of which are by Reclaiming people rather than Feri.

[trascendenza]

*sends mountains of hearts your way*

And, boy howdy, anger. It's a gift, all right, but kind of a super fucking scary one, at times.

[litotease]

::sends my own hearts back to you::

Anger is tricksy for me. In my family, it was handled one of two ways: violent expression (from the men) or repression &/or a cowering sort of whining (from the women). I'm desperately trying to find a different path.

(I am also being extraordinarly poor at replying to comments. Yep, Sam 'n Dean still own my heart.)

[daybreak]

I fangirl you too, Grace. :-) You are doing hard, hard work with yourself. I think you are very brave.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

[litotease]

I &hearts you a lot.

::hugs::

I hope your holiday was awesome!

[topaz119]

♥

[katesnotes]

Heya Grace, I hope the evaluating goes well for you. i like having you around on my flist - you are the only person I know who reads my very occasional posts - thank you for being there. I also enjoy what you have posted in the past - its nice to have you around

[litotease]

I'm glad you're there.

[lastnightblues]

*is always ready, mug of tea in hand, for hugs* I am proud to have you on my flist, as a friend, as an advisor, and as the strong woman you are. Post when you're ready, post whenever you want--I want to be here to read it.

Anger is the hardest thing, the worst to try to incorporate into life. I wish I knew more of how to help. For now, I'll just be here, still reading. *more hugs*