For the First Time Ever, I'm Immensely Sorry I'm a Lurker

[litotease]

Except for the abject moral rage and deep community sorrow I was feeling, the Great LiveJournal Strikeout 2007 itself didn't affect me at all; I've never followed HP fandom at all, so I'd never heard of pornish_pixies (and see how pretty that name looks today, without all of those ugly dashes through it!), and I've never read any of the other journals involved. 

However, for the past year, I've mostly been reading in & about Supernatural -- you know, that show that's sparked the terms wincest, and wee!cest. Incest.  Underage.  Two of the keywords that were getting people banned, banned, banned from their community.  As far as I know, no one in the Supernatural fandom had their account suspended (which, given how random the suspensions seemed, must be sheer, blind luck).  Still, many, many of the fans in this fandom responded with reasonable, rational, absolutely justifiable paranoia.

So it wasn't the Strikeout itself that got me where I live.  It was the Great LiveJournal Lockdown that followed it.   Because there is a group of women out there who, on a daily basis, make me think, smile, laugh out loud.  Some days, they make my heart ache; others, they make my panties damp.  (Occasionally -- damn you all, you good writers, you -- they do both at the same time.)  On the really bad days, sometimes checking in with them gives me pretty much all I have to look forward to.  And for a brief period of time, I was flocked out.

Because not a one of them knows who I am.

For I am a lurker.  I have one of those creepy lurker journals.  I don't produce (fiction, commentary, artwork, recs, personal nattering); I have nothing to post.  I don't use LiveJournal's "friends list" function.  Most of the time, I don't even log into LJ, because I've got everything and everybody I'm interested in bookmarked.

Yesterday, my fannish silence?  Bit. Me. On. The. Ass.

Hard.

Because my silence means that I have no fan cred.  None, nada, zero, zip.  Zilch. 

In the middle of a witch hunt, when no one is certain where the enemy is getting their information, how far they've infiltrated, and how far they're willing to go -- this is not the right time to approach a stranger:  "Oh, Hi!  You have absolutely no idea who I am, and I have absolutely nothing to show you, but I like your work about this subject that's getting people kicked off of LiveJournal left and right, so would you blindly put me on the list of people you trust not to report you to the wrong authorities, please?"  Yeah.  I wouldn't, either.

This time, so far, the problem seems to have mostly gone away (most people are unlocking their fiction and meta, others are planning to unlock once they've reorganized and split-off anything personally identifiable).  This time, only one of my fandoms (the one nearest and dearest to my heart, granted) was threatened.

I'm still leery.  With this attack coming so close on the heels of the FanLib debacle, public attention has been drawn to fanfic.  I think it's possible (not probable, but possible) that fans will have to find a new safe place.  If that's so, well.  Wither thou goest. 

I just don't want to be left behind. 

So, hi, y'all!  *waves shyly, uncertain of reception*   You rock my world.

Any other lurkers out there feeling the pinch?

Comments

[cathexys.livejournal.com]

Actually, there are different opinions on the "responding to everything" discussion (which you've probably seen). And I'll put myself firmly on the "respond to every comment" side, not only, b/c I find it polite and it'd my own online politeness thing but also because as a lurker it's *smart*!

I mean, I'm a non writer, non vidder, non artist, which made me on mailing lists near invisible (well, it also was, b/c I didn't talk to anyone, but I felt like I had nothing to say!) I spent years reading and, like you described, following people to new fandoms, when a favorite writer or reccer fell hard. It was like I was part of fandom when noone else knew I existed. When I finally started emailing people, there was always this immense disconnect, b/c while they'd just met me, I'd been talking to them for years...in fact, not unlike imaginary celebrity behavior of parasocial relations (hmmm..that's a near thought: lurkers as BNF fans?)

So, the only way people know me is when I talk with them (b/c you probably don't know that, but my journal is completely flocked and had to be after only a few months after my jump into the cold water, getting an LJ, making my first post). writers can be curmudgeons and still be loved, b/c they have already given something precious...but if all you have is your interaction, then that's what you need to do to meet folks!

(So, the comment was less, Hey, go answer your comments! and more, Look, this is the best way to meet folks, go answer!) As for personal issues: I'm not discounting them, seriously, but c'mon, you're reading our journals, right? Even the non flocked stuff indicates that fandom certainly collects peole "with issues" (and I've never directly made the connection about why our passion so easily turns into wank, but duh :)

As for potential suggestions: I'm not sure creating a network with other lurkers can be enough, b/c unless you're tied in with the people you want to stay connected to it might be hard. Then again, I think the problem actually is less that everyone goes off to play elsewhere, b/c you'll find folks again (I remember Seperis stopping updating at her blog and I thought she'd stopped for a while, only to find out she'd gone over to LJ and I'd just missed it!), but that people will go underground on you. The move toward flocking is one thing like that (when I look over my flist, a good half to 2/3 of entries are flocked!).

But maybe in getting together with other lurkers it might be easier to get comfortable talking? B/c you here? You just threw yourself into the deep end of the pool, didn't you :) And I very much feel with you on how scary it is. Unlike you, I like online conversations a lot, b/c I don't pick up body language and here everyone's equally disadvantaged *g*, but I just started a RL real name blog, and posting and commenting there scares me like crazy!

Fannish time? Take all the time it takes! We're all in a mad rush, but I know I'm tickled getting a response days and weeks later. As for replying for replies. See, that's where most people stop. It's more a greeting and back, a thanks, no thank *you* kind of exchange, and very few threads will go beyond the first exchange. You're the host here, but everyone else has 5 or 25 or 55 other conversations going on...

And now I'm off to my blog, where I'll have to force myself to answer and might go take my boys swimming before even thinking about getting up that nerve :) See, we're all just faking it a bit better *bg*

[gracecourage.livejournal.com]

in fact, not unlike imaginary celebrity behavior of parasocial relations (hmmm..that's a near thought: lurkers as BNF fans?)

LOL. I was just saying this in response to someone else. I fangirl astolat and poisontaster about the same way as I fangirl Callum Keith Rennie or Jared Padalecki. Even though I feel a connection, even though their existence is important to me and brings me a great deal of pleasure, it's absolutely, totally unidirectional.

You just threw yourself into the deep end of the pool, didn't you

My Mama always said, "if you're going to do something...." :)